Leaving an abusive relationship is a big decision, often filled with fear and uncertainty. However, recognising the warning signs and understanding risks can save lives. Here, we explore the red flags of increasing danger. We look at the patterns of coercive control or violence. We also explore how to assess risk by trusting your instincts and trusting the experts, like those of us here at Juno.
Red Flags of Escalating Danger
While no form of abuse should be tolerated, certain behaviours indicate a growing threat to your safety. These red flags often signal that the situation is becoming more dangerous:
- Physical Escalation: If physical violence becomes more frequent, intense, or directed at vulnerable areas, it’s a clear indicator of increased risk. Vulnerable areas could include your face, neck, breasts, vagina or anywhere you already have injuries or pain.
- Threats to Kill: It should always be taken seriously if the abuser threatens to harm or kill you, your children, or even threatens to kill themselves. If the abuser says they will undertake suicide, it shows that they are thinking about death. They could be planning to kill you and your children and then kill themselves.
- Weapon Use or Access: If the abuser owns or begins using weapons (even as a form of intimidation), the danger escalates dramatically. The abuser may even access these weapons for a ‘hobby’ and say it is for that purpose. Don’t believe them. It may just be a cover to get these weapons into the house. Any type of weapon, even ones used for role-playing games or hobbies, can be used against you and your children.
- Strangulation: Strangulation is one of the most severe warning signs, as survivors are at a much higher risk of being killed by their abuser. Strangulation is the same as choking, which has become more commonplace in sexual activities in recent years. It is not a harmless activity whether it is done to scare you or for a sexual purpose. There is no safe way to choke or strangle someone. The damage done by strangulation may not be immediately evident. Please access medical help or call us here if this happens to you. If the abuser is doing this for any reason, it is a clear sign that they may do this for real soon.
- Stalking or Monitoring: If your abuser follows you, tracks your movements, or invades your privacy (e.g., monitoring your phone), they are demonstrating heightened control.
- Escalating Possessiveness: Phrases like “If I can’t have you, no one will” are indicators of extreme danger. Don’t underestimate what they mean.
If you recognise one or more of these signs, please reach out to the Juno helpline, your GP or another domestic abuse organisation that can help you as soon as possible. We can help you survive.
Recognising Patterns of Coercive Control or Increasing Violence
Abuse isn’t always physical. Many abusers use coercive control to isolate and dominate women and girls. Understanding these patterns can help you recognise the severity of your situation:
- Isolation: They limit your access to friends, family, or work, cutting off your support network.
- Financial Abuse: Controlling money or denying you access to your own income is a powerful way abusers trap you.
- Gaslighting: Making you doubt your memories or perceptions to manipulate your sense of reality.
- Excessive Monitoring: Constantly checking your whereabouts, phone, or social media, leaving you no space for independence.
- Emotional Erosion: They belittle, humiliate, or blame you, gradually chipping away at your self-esteem.
- Unpredictability: One moment, they might shower you with affection, and the next, explode in anger. This cycle creates confusion and dependency.
These behaviours often escalate to violence when the abuser feels their control is slipping.
Listening to Your Instincts
Your instincts are a powerful tool when it comes to assessing risk. You may already feel something is wrong, even if you haven’t articulated it yet. Trust those feelings:
- Physical Symptoms of Fear: If your heart races or your stomach churns when your abuser is around, your body is warning you.
- Hypervigilance: If you constantly monitor their moods or behaviour to avoid conflict, it’s a sign of significant emotional distress.
- Recurring Thoughts of Escape: If you’ve imagined leaving but feel paralysed by fear, this is your intuition nudging you towards freedom.
Ask yourself:
- Am I afraid of this person?
- Do I feel like I have to “walk on eggshells” to keep the peace?
- Am I staying because I’m scared of what they’ll do if I leave?
If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, it’s time to prioritise your safety.
Assessing Your Risk Level
Leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous because abusers often escalate when they feel their control slipping. To prepare safely, consider these steps:
- Confide in Someone You Trust: Let a friend, family member, or domestic abuse charity know what’s happening.
- Create a Safety Plan: Pack essentials (e.g., ID, money, medications) and identify a safe place to go. See this blog here for more details.
- Avoid Confrontation: Don’t tell your abuser you’re planning to leave unless it’s safe to do so. Seek professional advice on timing and strategy.
- Utilise Professional Resources: Call organisations like Juno who can provide free advice and emergency housing.
You Deserve Freedom and Safety
Many survivors hesitate to leave because they feel trapped, hopeless, or undeserving of a better life. If this is you, remember:
- You Are Not to Blame: The abuse is the sole responsibility of your abuser.
- Help Is Available: Charities, refuges, and helplines exist to support you through every step.
- A Better Future Awaits: Thousands of survivors have left abusive relationships and gone on to lead fulfilling, peaceful lives. You can, too.
Conclusion
Recognising the warning signs of escalating abuse is really important for your safety. It could be physical danger, coercive control, or an overwhelming sense of fear. If you realise that there are these warning signs, it means you should consider leaving. It is almost guaranteed that the abuse will get worse.
With support from trusted friends, professionals, and organisations, you can take the steps necessary to protect yourself and build a life free from abuse and fear. Trust your instincts—they are often your strongest ally in navigating these challenging circumstances.
Juno Help
Our helpline is always available if you want to talk through these issues and find support for your situation. Our friendly team of women will be able to help you find a way through. We are here for you, and of course, your children too if you have any.
Calls to our helpline are free from landlines and mobile phones within the UK and do not appear on itemised bills. Our friendly team of women understand what you’re going through and will listen and support you. There is no pressure and everything is confidential.
Helpline: 0808 800 0340
Sometimes our helpline is busy and you might not get through the first time, so please try again. We will always call you back if you leave a message stating it is safe to do so and if you leave us a safe contact number in your message.
If you are hearing impaired, text “Relay/NGT” to 18001 0808 800 0340. This option is available 24-hours a day, 365 days a year.
You can also email us on [email protected] 9 am – 9 pm.
Please note, we may not be able to respond to emails straight away, but will try to reply within 24 hours.
National Help
If you’re further afield, you could contact other charities like Women’s Aid, who have instant messaging and email contact on their website: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247) also provide confidential support. They can help you make a safety plan, find safe housing, and access legal protections.
The deaf health charity Signhealth also runs a domestic abuse support service, DeafHope, using British Sign Language (BSL).