Understanding the subtle and hidden nature of coercive control can be difficult. It’s not something often talked about and lots of us aren’t even sure what it is. So, in this article we’re going to talk you through what it is and why it matters.
In this post, we’ll explore what coercive control might look like and offer suggestions on how to start reclaiming your power. You can do it and your life can be better for it. So, let’s start.
Recognising the Signs
Coercive control often involves behaviours that gradually take away your confidence. Here are some common signs to be aware of:
Isolation
This is when an abuser tries to cut you off from friends, family or community support. The perpetrator may say things like:
“No-one cares about you, forget about them.’
Or, “You don’t need them, you’ve got me.”
Isolating you from people who care about you is one of the key ways an abuser will take away your support network. He (or she) wants you to be reliant on them. This gives them a lot of power over you, which puts you in danger and takes away your choices.
Constant Criticism
A lot of abusers will use demeaning remarks that undermine your self‐esteem. This may start off as one or two in the beginning, and then continue to build so that every day you are faced with hurtful and untruthful comments.
They may call you ugly, or fat, or lazy, or stupid, and tell you that no-one else would ever want you. These are lies designed to make you feel powerless and scared. BUT we can tell you that you are special and valuable and deserve a better life than living with such cruelty.
Control Over Daily Life
This is when abusers take control of every aspect of your day—from what you wear to whom you speak with and where you go. It feels like you are constantly being watched and questioned about what you do.
An abuser will create untrue stories about what you do and why you spoke to someone. He will say you went to the shop because you are having an affair with the man behind the counter. The abuser knows that this is not true. But he is just finding ways to hurt and control you. Really think about. He is deliberately trying to hurt and control you. That’s not part of a loving, healthy relationship, is it?
Financial Manipulation
The abuser may deny you having access to money or closely monitor your spending. They may not want you to work so that you have to ask them for money. Or, if you have a job, they may take all your wages from you.
Lack of money or access to money is one of the major reasons why women are reluctant to leave an abusive home. Understandably, you may be worried about how you, and your children and pets, will survive. But there are many ways Juno can help you with this and our helpline staff will be happy to talk you through them.
Emotional Blackmail
This is designed to make you feel guilty or fearful for having your own needs. Emotional blackmail can really make it hard to see situations clearly. There are various forms of emotional blackmail. Do any seem familiar to you?
1. Guilt-tripping
It can take the form of guilt-tripping, where your abuser may say something like: “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” This puts you in a position where you feel responsible for their well-being and pressured to stay.
2. Withholding love or affection
It could be withholding love or affection, where your abuser ignores you or gives you the silent treatment. They might say,
“If you really loved me, you’d do what I asked.”
This manipulates you into prioritising their needs over your own.
3. Using secrets or personal information against you
If you have confided in them something personal, they may later say, “If you leave me, I’ll tell everyone what you told me.”
This fear keeps you trapped in the relationship.
4. Playing the victim to avoid accountability
You call them out on their hurtful behaviour, and they respond with,
“I can’t believe you’re attacking me like this. You know I’ve had a hard life!”
This shifts the focus away from their actions and makes you feel guilty for standing up for yourself.
5. Threatening self-harm or suicide
This is possibly the most powerful of all the strategies. You try to end the relationship, and your partner says,
“If you leave me, I don’t know what I’ll do. I might hurt myself.”
Abusers may say they will even kill themselves if you leave them.
This puts you in a position where you feel responsible for their well-being and pressured to stay. This is a controlling way for the abuser to stop you leaving and creating a better life for yourself. Women and girls tend to feel guilty when they hear these words. But his actions are not your responsibility. Many abusers say these things without any intention of hurting themselves at all.
However, we know that sometimes an abuser will be prepared to kill themselves and also be planning to kill the woman and any children or pets. So, please take this threat very seriously and call our helpline as soon as you can.
Gaslighting
This is when your perceptions or memories are constantly questioned, which makes you doubt your own reality. Abusers are very good at this. They do it on purpose to create confusion, avoid taking responsibility for their actions, and to make you rely on them.
Examples of gaslighting include:
1. Denying something happened
For example, you confront your partner about a hurtful comment they made. Instead of acknowledging it, they say,
“I never said that. You’re imagining things.”
This makes you doubt your memory and question your reality.
2. Twisting the truth to shift blame
Here, for example, your abuser loses their temper and yells at you, but later, they say,
“You always make me act like this. If you weren’t so sensitive, I wouldn’t get upset.”
This makes you feel responsible for their behaviour, even though they are the one at fault.
3. Minimising your feelings or experiences
Here, for example, you express sadness about how they treated you, and they respond with,
“You’re overreacting. Stop being so dramatic—it’s not a big deal.”
Over time, this can make you suppress your emotions and feel like your concerns are invalid.
Gaslighting is a tool abusers use to undermine confidence and control women, girls and children. But when you can see what is happening, you instantly take back some of your power.
Are These Ringing Alarm Bells For You?
So, if any, or all of this is ringing bells with you, it’s okay. We can help you move forward. Once you can spot what is happening and understand the impact, you will be able to start to make decisions about how to move forward to make your life better.
Understanding the Impact
The effects of coercive control can be significant. Over time, these behaviours can leave you feeling isolated, confused and trapped. It’s important to remember that the responsibility for these behaviours lies solely with the person exerting control, not with you. Recognising these signs is a courageous first step towards regaining your independence.
Taking Practical Steps
If you recognise these behaviours in your life, consider the following practical steps:
- Document Your Experiences:
Keeping a journal or even notes on your phone can help you recognise patterns over time. Write down instances of control and manipulation – it can be incredibly powerful for you to see your experiences on paper because then you really understand what is happening. This can then spur you on to make positive changes in your life. Juno can help you with all of these changes. Remember to keep the information hidden from the abuser though.
- Reach Out for Support:
Whether it’s a trusted friend, a local support group or a professional counsellor, talking to someone who understands can be a crucial step. At Juno, we offer resources and compassionate listening to help you work through these difficult circumstances.
- Develop a Safety Plan:
If you feel that your physical or emotional safety is at risk, work on a safe exit strategy. This might involve setting aside emergency funds, having a good friend on standby or talking to us about how we can help you and your children and pets to safety. You can read our articles on how to create a safety plan here and what to pack in an emergency bag here.
- Educate Yourself:
Learning about coercive control can empower you to recognise it more clearly. Read books, join online communities and consider attending workshops focused on abuse recovery and personal empowerment.
- Set Boundaries:
Begin to assert your personal boundaries—even in small ways. Say “no” when something doesn’t feel right, if you can. Every time you reclaim a bit of your independence, you reinforce your right to live freely and safely. There are lots of YouTube videos on this or a good book is the one below
Seeking Professional Guidance
Often the patterns of coercive control can be so deep that professional help is needed to untangle them. Therapists or counsellors who specialise in trauma or domestic abuse can help. They can give you tools to help you regain control of your life. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Ask us here at Juno about this, as we can help.
Your Path to Freedom
Understanding coercive control is the first step in breaking free from its grip. Every action you take – whether it’s educating yourself, setting boundaries or reaching out for support – reinforces that you deserve to live without fear or manipulation.
At Juno, We’re Here for You
We know that every journey is unique. Our team at Juno is dedicated to empowering women and girls to recognise, understand and ultimately break free from the bonds of coercive control. We offer resources, community support and guidance tailored to your individual situation. Remember, you are not alone—help is available and a brighter, more independent future awaits you.
Final Thoughts
Recognising coercive control is not about labelling yourself as weak or flawed – it’s about understanding that the behaviours you’ve experienced are abusive and not your fault. By taking practical steps and seeking the support you need, you can reclaim your life.
Empower yourself with knowledge, reach out for help and always remember: you deserve to be in control of your own destiny.
Remember, you are never alone on your journey to recovery. Should you ever need someone to talk to, please consider calling or emailing our helpline. Our team is staffed by compassionate, non-judgemental and supportive women who truly understand what you’re experiencing. All conversations are kept confidential, and there’s absolutely no pressure to share more than you’re comfortable with. Just call and chat with us—we’re here to support you in any way we can.
You can read more about our helpline and hear from the workers in this article: Recognising the lifeline that saves lives.
Juno Help
Calls to our helpline are free from landlines and mobile phones within the UK and do not appear on itemised bills. There is no pressure and everything is confidential.
Helpline: 0808 800 0340
Sometimes our helpline is busy and you might not get through the first time, so please try again. We will always call you back if you leave a message stating it is safe to do so and if you leave us a safe contact number in your message.
If you are hearing impaired, text “Relay/NGT” to 18001 0808 800 0340. This option is available 24-hours a day, 365 days a year.
You can also email us on [email protected] 9 am – 9 pm.
Please note, we may not be able to respond to emails straight away, but will try to reply within 24 hours.
National Help
If you’re further afield, you could contact other charities like Women’s Aid, who have instant messaging and email contact on their website: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247) also provide confidential support. They can help you make a safety plan, find safe housing, and access legal protections.
The deaf health charity Signhealth also runs a domestic abuse support service, DeafHope, using British Sign Language (BSL).
The Survivor’s Trust (for sexual abuse and assault support) – www.thesurvivorstrust.org